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"Ok, give me a second... Cap'n Crunch is up here... And he's, laughin' at me. I gotta get rid of him."

Jerma during his Only Up stream.

Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch, also known as simply Cap'n Crunch or the Cap'n, is the eponymous mascot of the Quaker Oats breakfast cereal Cap'n Crunch. He is also one of the most skilled wrestlers to ever grace the Jerma Wrestling Federation.

Origin[]

Cap'n Crunch is depicted as a late 18th-century naval captain, an older man with white eyebrows and a white moustache. He wears a Revolutionary-style naval uniform: a bicorne hat emblazoned with a "C" and a gold-epauletted blue coat with gold bands on the sleeves. He was born on Crunch Island in the Sea of Milk – a magical place with talking trees, crazy creatures and a whole mountain called Mt. Crunchmore made out of Cap'n Crunch cereal. He is an incredibly skilled wrestler, and also allegedly has an IQ of 200.[1]

In the Ring[]

Jerma Rumble 2[]

Cap'n Crunch's first appearance in the Jermaverse was in Jerma Rumble 2, where he was eagerly welcomed by the crowd with roaring applause. He eliminated Earthworm Jim, Elvis Presley, Burgah Boy, and finally The Egg to win the Rumble and become champion. Because of his stunning performance, he became a fan favorite overnight.

Jermania 2014[]

The Cap'n was slated to reappear in Jermania 2014 for a championship bout against fellow Rumble-winner Jerma, but was mysteriously absent from the event. Due to this, the JWF executives let Glue Man take his place in the upcoming bout for a grudge match instead.

Capncruncharrives

Cap'n Crunch arrives at Jermania 2014

However, in the middle of Jerma and Glue Man's ladder match, Cap'n Crunch was suddenly spotted dancing through the audience towards the ring. He came to crash the event after all, and ended up defeating both Jerma and Glue Man by climbing the ladder and retrieving the briefcase before either of them.

Cap'n Crunch has not returned to the JWF since, having evidently left the game while he was on top.

Harassment Scandal[]

During Jerma's playthrough of the popular videogame "Only Up", Captain Crunch was framed for entering Jerma's brain and making fun of him. This caused Jerma great distress, enough to where he needed to bury his head in his hands and take multiple seconds to regain his composure.[2] Captain Crunch allegedly claimed that "Oh! My captain crunch cereal is more nutritious than this fuckin' dope!"[2] It is unknown if Captain Crunch was actually responsible, or if this was a manic episode from Jerma. But if Captain Crunch was responsible, it is unknown if Jerma pressed charges against him after the stream.

Trivia[]

  • Cap'n Crunch's outstanding performance in the ring is the reason why there were so many cereal mascot characters in Jerma Rumble 3, since all the other mascots thought they had a shot at glory.
  • Cap'n Crunch is the only wrestler in the JWF to have won two championship titles.
  • When ranking Jermania characters from favorite to least favorite, Jerma placed Cap'n Crunch in SS tier, above even Pac-Man himself and second only to the Two Person Horse[3].
  • His bones are made of soup.[citation needed]

References[]

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